Every paragraph is an ordeal.

ugghh

A considerable part of me is fully determined to update--nay, finish--MnM before the summer ends. But somehow another part of me just isn't interested anymore and insists on doing all kinds of other things.

Sigh.

After 35 chapters and three days of on-off reading, this unworthy authoress finally finished Maeniel(née Fitz)'s "My Life". This story is an excellent example of an AU that shouldn't really be called an AU. That is, it's a remarkably well written original idea that just happens to feature Watsuki-sama's characters' names, appearances, and (vestiges of) personalities. Pickier readers might rampage.

Take note--I'm not bashing it, exactly. (Never have known how to handle confrontations...) It's too capably pulled off for me to bash it. I wouldn't have slogged through all 35 chapters if I didn't thoroughly enjoy what I was reading. ^.^

Except that it's a great example of what I've heard other RK fans--and doubtless what fans of other fanfic-ized creations as well--complain about: so-called "alternate universes" that take the advantage of the term to create virtually completely new characters that are similar to the original ones only in terms of physical appearance, names, and a little bit of personality.

I should really write the author decently and warn her(?) about this, but... hehehe. Maybe next time. A fanfic junkie like me is too much possessed by her cravings to take the time out to do anything other than read.

It's a terribly entertaining piece of work, though. That I can't contest. I myself could never write so successfully about such life-and-death things. And she sounds like a very mature, intelligent person too.

Wehehe. Got my first flame of a lifetime today!! Nothing elaborate, just two neat lowercase words: "you suck". The author seems not even burdened by the idea of the grammatical necessity of punctuation. I almost envy him/her.

Yeah, well, serves me right for posting that tiny little vignette-thingie. *scratches head* Honestly, it didn't look quite so bad in my imagination...

After some days of plowing doggedly away at some sort of next chapter for MnM, I came face to face with the Horrible Truth last night as I hit yet another creative snag: There's nothing left for MnM but the epilogue. Darnit darnit darnit! And I was thinking of adding one last bit of tangley-personal-issues. Ah well. Maybe it all works out anyhow. Poor Aoshi and Megumi deserve some rest.

After almost a year away, I desperately want to go back to writing RK. At least for the summer, before I go back to school (again).

And so... am whiling away hours on the Internet, reading fanfic, drooling over doujinshi scans and oekaki, and digging up my old manga scans.

Wish me luck. ^.^

Wow, the most of the RK fandom has always been remarkably hospitable (and coherent ^.^;), but I must say they're outdoing themselves these days... I speak here most self-absorbedly of the Aoshi/Megumi round robin. ^.^  Careful navigating the plot twists... The authors themselves get dizzy following 'em sometimes.  But that just increases the fun, I think. ^.~

s-girl and ChiisaiLammy are taking care of updating the FFnet and Shrine of Ice and Fire records, so the latest (hilariouser and hilariouser!) installments ought to be up soon.  Share and enjoy!  ^.^

Some weeks ago, s-girl so very kindly sent me a copy of a bit of fanart she made for MnM (the carriage scene, whoopee!).  It's utterly beautiful and sweet.  Gah.  Seeing a romance so vividly and beautifully illustrated is stirring up the mushiness in me.  Hee hee!  Will have to see about putting it up here, or wherever, with permission from the artist, of course. ^.^

Winters-dono, this unworthy one is grateful for your note. It's very heartening indeed to hear from RK readers again. (Yes, I'm a sucker for readership. T.T)

MnM has ground to a halt for now, can't live in denial much longer. ^.^; All it needs now is an epilogue, actually. But anyhow there is an Aoshi/Megumi round robin currently going round, with about ten writers already pitching in. It's being advertised on the RKDreams forum, if anyone didn't know just yet. ^.^ Join, join!

ChiisaiLammy is the moderator I think, and s-girl, Cherie Dee, Trupana, MiJ, BarbaraSheridan, and Shimizu Hitomi too I think are in on it, plus this unworthy one. As of the tenth update we are already setting up some huge Aoshi crisis, the true extent of which I personally think we innocent authors have yet to fully comprehend. ^.^;

My humble gratitude as well to whoever nominated Yoake Mae no Yami ni. Seriously, I don't see that it stands a chance against all those other brilliant stories that have come out this year and which are bound to be nominated, if they haven't yet. (*cough Eriesalia Another Chance coughcough*) But all the same, my poor little heart goes out to the nice person who nominated. ^.^

Honestly, for now, I have neither the time nor the inspiration to write heavily for RK again--rather, for anything. It disappoints me, really. But schoolwork is piling up and so is that haunting, gnawing discomfort that seems to come with senior year--and truth be told, some personal issues are grinding me to bloody bits underfoot at the moment. I'm still struggling to get away from underneath the crushing pressure and live a more healthy, RK-lovin'-writin' life.

This blog is for my fanfic writing, so I won't clutter it up with personal stuff. But all the same I need to say that the past few months I've realized just how far off center I've subtly grown over the last year or so... and I need to get myself back on track and whole.

I'm not sure yet if fanfic writing will help me in this self-reconstruction, or if will have to just come as a result of the darned process.

I must say, however, that the people I've met on the RKDreams forum do inspire me with the way they seem to so deftly juggle "real life" with "RK fandom life"-- in particular Hermianna, Gem-chan, s-girl, Gochan, Amberle-chan. Would that I will also grow further into adulthood (*cough politically correct cough*) with the enthusiasm for RK that helps keep me sane.

One happy thing, though, that I mustn't lose track of-- for my birthday, my friends gave me not one, but TWO volumes of the manga. T.T tears of joy!!

I got 24 and 25, chronicling Kenshin's stay in Rakuninmura, Yahiko's fight. "The Back of the Man" will just have to wait, but for now, *drool* Yahiko is surprisingly sugoi. (Surprisingly because, thank God, I have never had a thing for ten-year-old boys.)

Enough blather. To get back to the round robin--I think it will soon enough be posted on FFnet. If anyone wants to join, just drop by the forum and tell s-girl. If you're not yet registered on that forum, shame on you! You're missing out on a lot. ^.^

Last note: I am deeply grateful that the RK fandom seems in the pink of health. Really helps to stave off that feeling of being alone in the world. ^.^;

Heh-heh *scratches head sheepishly*, huge apologies for not yet posting anything. ^.^; I mentioned a most ominous feeling of approaching "fanfic dryness" in my previous entry, and I'm a bit ashamed to admit now that I haven't really produced anything for the RK fandom these past few weeks. T.T

Yare yare... here's hoping *knocks on wood* I come up with something decent soon. As much as I deprive myself of sleep, proper nutrition, and academic endeavor whenever I write, I just don't feel quite right not thinking about what sort of new heartache I'll cook up for the next installment.

And yes, I really mean the "tsuzuku" at the end of Chapter Nineteen. *grits teeth in determination*

I kind of want to make a Chapter Twenty--just to bring it to a nice even number--but that seems rather like pushing it too far. ^.^;

Anyway, Real Life has loomed large in my thoughts of late, instead of the Kenshingumi--senior year in college, time to think of a career, graduate studies, et cetera. So maybe that's where my previously RK-devoted energies are going. Sigh. Wish I were like Hugh Grant in "About a Boy"--never have to work a day in my life. Then I could just go off into the mountains and, er, make pottery and drink sake... yeah, sounds like a nice lifestyle to me.

On a more serious note, I find it odd, and uncomfortable, this sudden loss of interest of mine in MnM. *gasp!* I don't know if it's just RL again working its insidious poison into me, eating away at my former enthusiasm, or just the passing of a phase (as things tend to go with me)... What I do know is that this didn't happen to me at the end of Yoake Mae. @.@ And--less reliably--I don't remember feeling like this at the completion of any of my earlier fics.

I suppose I should just go with the flow of my soul and all, and let go if I must and if I can no longer hold on--but the RK fandom is just so warm and cozy that I really do want to stay on a lot longer... *snif*

Speaking of the RK fandom (and on a lighter note), the RKDreams forum is quite rapidly coming back to life. Yay, yay! ^.^ Slowly but surely, the members are checking back and livening up the boards again. Kudos limitlessly due to the diligent admins for patching the forum back up, of course. ^.^ Lots of interesting new threads popping up, and plenty of old ones being revived. *makes like Judy Garland at the Wicked Witch's castle* Come back, everyone! Come back!

Particularly happy that Shimizu Hitomi, while on her indefinite hiatus from fanfic writing, is still active on the forum. Having seen most of the "older generation" of RK lovers fade out, I'd have an especially hard time accepting the passing of the "newer generation"... as is inevitable, I'm afraid.

On the other hand, FFnet has been surprisingly quiet for me the past few weeks. Is everyone else busy with RL too? *pout* Oh well, I just wish everybody good luck on their tests and jobs and whatnot, and hope to see their Author Alerts popping up in my inbox soon. I'm hungering for updates--other people's, that is. ^.^

Till the next spark of inspiration, then...

Confession time! I've been more or less deliberately taking a bit of a vacation from hounding myself over MnM. ^.^; After posting the latest chapter, I thought I could afford to kick back awhile and take it easy.

Truth be told, I think I'm feeling the beginnings of withdrawal mode. The thought strikes dread into mine heart. @.@ I really do tend to "go" things in phases, and mayhap the fan fiction-writing phase is ebbing a bit by now.

Or maybe I'm just waiting for new inspiration to bite me in the...

Yes, I hope it's just that.

Anyway, a proper epilogue is due and percolating in my brain as we speak. I don't know why I've taken such a liking to prologue/epilogue thingies these days with these latest multipart fics of mine--it seems a slightly heavyhanded way to approach style. I wonder now if it isn't my own way of "easing" myself into a whole new ambitious multipart project, and "easing" myself back out of it.

I'm resolved not to do another "wedding" epilogue--although I probably really shouldn't compare stories, I can't help feeling that I did that already with "Yoake Mae", and that if I did it again with MnM I would sort of cheapen the feel of both epilogues.

eriesalia's comment was right on the head though--everything does seem to be going back to Kanryuu, though I really didn't intend that as such. ^.^;

From what I remember of the planning stages, early on I got the idea that I wanted to get Megumi out of Aizu. To be honest, when I was surfing around for information I was disappointed to find that Aizu-Wakamatsu in these modern times is not quite at the forefront, shall we say, of scientific advancement. And I don't want my beloved kitsune-onna living out the rest of her career in a less than prominent city. Her talents would be used, let's say, to far smaller effect than they would were she to distinguish herself in the big city.

So I'm tearing her away from her beloved hometown and plunking her down in the heart of Tokyo. How cruel! ^.^;

Oh, and as e-alia so quickly picked up on too, I needed to orchestrate things so that they'd adapt to the Kaden state of affairs. I'm not that comfortable fooling around with canon.

So you can guess now how the epilogue will be set up... ^.~

In a review for ChiisaiLammy's "Water in a Glass House" (which you really should read! ^.^), I "warned" her that we were both turning out to be setting our Aoshi/Megumi epilogues in the Kaden story. Great minds...?

And yay, the RKDreams forum is finally back up!!! Jubilation!!! ^.^

I don't know why I didn't read it before, but I finallyfinally read anna-neko's "The Spy and the Hitokiri". Very strange that I didn't read it before, considering I devoured her other, straight-out comedy fics like a ravenous beast.

"The Spy and the Hitokiri" ended up costing me four hours of a night's sleep, but it was damn worth it. What a brilliant story. I rarely enjoy whodunnits--I don't have the intellectual patience for them I think ^.^;--but I totally loved this one. The gorgeous, gorgeous lemon chapter was just the icing on the cake. ^.^

As I said in my latest update (yayy! Megumi!!), I can't quite put my finger on it, but I get the horrible creepy feeling that I'm still off my writing kilter. Is this what happens to me when I don't have schoolwork crowding into my life and trying to edge fanfic writing out of it? Man, that sucks. >_<

I forgot *slaps forehead* to include in my Author's Notes (not that they aren't long enough already...) a moment of silence for Shimizu Hitomi's recently announced withdrawal from fan fiction. T.T

The RuroKen fandom just lost one of its strongest pillars. *snif*

Speaking of pillars, it's comforting to sift through the abundance of crappy-to-mediocre RK fanfic on FFnet and come across goodies that actually feature good grammar and spelling, excellent style, intelligent plots, and adept characterization. Unfortunately, some of these authors haven't updated in quite a while, but it's still a tremendous relief from all the squealing incoherent fics to come across sentient people like Cherie Dee, Trupana, Angrybee, eriesalia, ChiisaiLammy, and haku baikou, to name only an incomparable few.

Maybe I'm just not aware of too many things in RK fandom, but most FFnet writers seem to me to be in the "new generation" of RK fan fiction authors--the "old generation" (my terms) being those who used to so fervently write for mailing lists back in the late 90s, like the great KFFDISCML: Sekihara Tae, Tin Mandigma, anna-neko, and so many others. Of that bunch, so far I've only been able to identify Gemini and Linay as still active on FFnet. Anyone else?

Is it just me, or is this shift due to RK being finally released regularly in the States? Really, I'm curious.

I'm definitely sure there didn't use to be quite so many "The Kenshingumi in modern-day high school!" fics way back when... *sigh*

(To digress: Ah, these AU high school fics. Such fodder for cross fangirl-nitpicking these days.)

Oh, and before I forget for the hundredth time: I haven't been able to get into RKDreams.com for the longest time. Does their server not like me? I only ever get the darn "Cannot find server" page. I'm sad. T.T

I miss smileys too... darn FFnet... *sniffle*

"When is a story ever 'finished,' anyway? When you are tired with it or bored with it? When you settle on a dim realization that there will be other works, other fictions, other lives? Or when you simply settle?" Sarge Lacuesta, Preface, Life Before X and Other Stories

I'm afraid, this time, I sort of settled.

After about ten drafts, I finally finished five pages of Misao/Aoshi. I'm not proud of it--it has to be the heaviest, draggiest, most cumbersome writing I've ever had the temerity to post. But I'm hoping that all this loathing I have for the latest chapter is just the culmination of all the effort I've plugged into it after having written and rewritten ad nauseam for the past week and a half, and the truly despicable summer weather we're having at the moment.

My sincerest apologies to my readers who have to suffer what I know isn't my best work. As the Author Notes say, I'm open to all constructive criticism, so that I can rework the damn thing into something a little more palatable. But for now--coming from this unworthy one's end--I think that's as far as I can go. T.T

About the "cancerous growth," ChiisaiLammy--ugh, I know exactly what you mean.

I've never had a beta reader in my life, so I decided ultimately against getting one for this installment... so instead I'm offering this up to all and sundry. (Is it just me, or does that not make a whole lot of sense?)

Until the next volley of rotten eggs, I'll just be here, moping over Misao and moving on to the next chapter--which, thank God, should have very little weasel in it.

Man, I give up... @.@

P.S. Best wishes to eriesalia-sama with Misao in "Blades." At least, once you read my chapter, you'll know what not to do.

I'm sorry minna-dono, I'm just terribly down about this...